Harry Potter Filksongs
 by Caius Marcius
copyright 2001
~o0o~

Azkaban
That's An Auror
Draco
Bond With Your Wand
Neville Will Someday
Secret Snape
 

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Azkaban

(To the tune of Kokomo)

The Following Infomercial Has Been Paid For By The Ministry of Magic

(Enter BARTY CROUCH, SR and a CHORUS OF MINISTRY WITCHES)

CROUCH
If you’re convicted of crime
Or cast a spell unforgive-a-bell
Our Aurors may deliver you to us for a spell

Come to our isle
It’s so exotic and remote
You’ll be mingling on a cellblock with Dark Wizards of note
Here in Azkaban

CHORUS 
If you helped the Dark Lord we’d love to get you on board
If you served You-Know-Who we want to get to know you
If you are someone blamed with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named..........

CROUCH & CHORUS
....Oooh then you’re the Man, we’ll be recruiting you to join that clan
Serving a lengthy span of time in Azkaban

CHORUS 
And by decree
We’ll throw away the key!

CROUCH
We’ve put a lot of pizzaz in our magic Alcatraz 
All enveloped in gloom, it simply radiates doom
We have taken your wand, so please relax and just despond
Shrivel up just a tad, and find a place to go quietly mad 
Here in Azkaban

CHORUS
Come meet our Dementors all highly trained tormentors
As you see them gliding glad thoughts they’re overriding
Resistance is futile because they are so brutal

CROUCH & CHORUS
We now have a plan, and we hope that you will understand 
How it all hits the fan right here in Azkaban 

CHORUS
When arriving, just smile, we gave you a fair trial
We don’t want you trash back, so have yourself a flashback
Revisit the highlights of your most hideous frights

CROUCH & CHORUS
...Oooh then as you can see, we’re possessed of such security 
So that one’s whole family could safe in Azkaban be 
 

 That’s An Auror!

(To the tune of That’s Amore!)
 

(THE SCENE: Gryffindor Common Room.  Students are enthusiastically discussing their new DADA Professor, Alastor “Mad-Eye” Moody.)

HARRY AND RON
Who’s a wizard so cool even George says he rules?
That’s an Auror!

GEORGE AND FRED
Who’s a man of stout heart missing some body parts?
That’s an Auror!

NEVILLE AND LEE
Where dark forces crept he is quite adept, he will intercept ‘em even as they slept
He is cunning!
Nothing can deter, moving like a blur, he will soon inter ‘em into the stir
Swiftly stunning! 

HARRY & GEORGE
Who may get somewhat vexed when his dustbins are hexed?

ALL
That’s an Auror!

RON & FRED
Who becomes more intense through Constant Vigilance?

ALL
That’s an Auror!

RON & NEVILLE
There’s a certain curse which is quite adverse leaves you much the worse in class he will rehearse 
With a spider
As we look askance he will make it dance put it in a trance losing its last chance
Up ‘n’ died ‘ere.

HARRY & LEE
Whose all covered in scars earned in Dark Wizard wars?

ALL
That’s an Auror!

RON & NEVILLE
With his magical optic which can penetrate solid brick

GEORGE & FRED
He may be paranoid, but we pair aren’t annoyed, nor are we sore
We don’t mind paranoia when he bounces Malfoy-a............

ALL
......................................................................HE’S AN AUROR!
 
 

Draco

(To the tune of Day-O)

(THE SCENE: Slytherin Commom Room. Enter VINCENT CRABBE AND GREGORY GOYLE)

CRABBE: Draco!Draco! 
Draco, come, make Harry go home
Dra! Give me Dra, give me Dra, give me Dra, give me Draco!
CRABBE & GOLYE:  Draco, come, make Harry go home

(Enter DRACO MALFOY)

DRACO M: Ever since initial day of his arrival
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home
DM: Harry Potter been my chief arch-rival
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home
DM: He could of joined with Slytherin to try to please me 
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home
DM: Instead, he rather chum around with tribe of Weasleys 
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home

DM: Harry get0 himself a broomstick, thought he could play Quidditch
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home
DM: We all know that he can not, but he always grab the Gold Snitch
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home

ALL: We’re six games seven games eight games down, huh!
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home
ALL: It’s time once more to don Dementor gown, huh!
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home
DM:  Harry is bad, make us lose our elf
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home
DM: Poor Mom has to clean the house herself 
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home
DM: Harry quite insulting, he can’t get worse, see?
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home
DM: He tell people I’m another Dudley Dursely. 
C & G: Draco, come, make Harry go home

C & G: Dra! Give me Dra, give me Dra, give me Dra, give me Draco!
ALL: Dirty Harry, go ahead and make our Day-O!

(Author’s Note: The final line doesn’t scan, but I couldn’t resist)
 
 

Bond With Your Wand
(from HP/SS, Ch. 5)

(To the tune of Put Your Hand in the Hand)

(THE SCENE: Diagon Alley, in front of Ollivanders, “Makers of Fine Wands since 382 B.C.” Enter HARRY and HAGRID, both carrying a large number of shopping bags] 

HAGRID
Harry’s now a wizard, having reached the age of 11
We’ve been shopping in the Alley ever since the clock struck seven
But we’ve one more stop, and it’s at a shop of which I’m very fond
It’s the shop of Ollivander, who’s the maker of the finest wands

[They enter Ollivanders.  The shelves of the tiny store are filled with countless boxes, each one containing a wand.  Behind is the counter is MR. OLLIVANDER, who, as if expecting their arrival, rises to greet them)

HARRY & HAGRID
Get your wand from the hand of the grand Mister Ollivander 

(Dozens of the boxes fly off the shelf and land in front of Harry, who takes each wand out of its box, and waves it in succession, without effect. Mr. Ollivander snatches each one back as soon as it’s clear that the wand didn’t “click” with Harry)

MR. OLLIVANDER 
Find a wand to respond to as all of my stock you’re shown
Each wand’s unique and the wand you seek will be yours and yours alone

ALL
Form a bond with a wand, and that wand will choose you for its own

MR. OLLIVANDER
I generate a wand, in order to ensure a clean mix,
Out of unicorn hair, dragon strings and feathers from a phoenix. 

(Harry, to the delight of all, creates a stream of red and gold sparks when he waves one particular wand.  OLLIVANDER examines at its box)

That wand you found is the best by far, but isn’t this bizarre?
It’s the brother of the wand that gave to you your famous scar

HAGRID AND HARRY
Get your wand from the hand of the grand Mister Ollivander 

HARRY AND MR. OLLIVANDER
Get your wand at the store once patronized by Voldemort

MR. OLLIVANDER
Your wand shares its core with Voldemort’s 

HARRY 
               What’ll happen if they go to war?

MR. OLLIVANDER
I’d love to tell you more, but you’ll have to wait until Book Four

ALL (singing and clapping)
You’ve a wand from the hand of the grand Mister Ollivander
You found a wand to respond to that can never be outshone
Your wand’s unique, and good technique will make it yours and yours alone
Form a bond with your wand, for that wand has chose you for its own!
Oh yeah!

(Exit all)
 

 Neville Will Some Day

(To the tune of Never on Sunday)

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS
Neville will often mess up, we’ll ‘fess up, he’ll stress up
When he’s in Potions class
It seems that every lesson’s distressin’, we’re guessin’
‘Cause Snape loves to harass 
When we’ve a brand new password if that nerd has not heard
What it is to be 
He stands outside our doorway in dismay like some stray 
Till we give him the key.

But, no, a squib Neville clearly is not 
Though he may zone out and louse up a lot
He can get himself tied in awkward knots
But his courage too cannot be forgot

It seems on some days Trever endeavors to sever
With Neville every tie
Neville then is hunting and grunting till confronting
His amphibious ally 
Neville’s forever striving, reviving, surviving,
Doing his very best 
Neville now has dumb days and glum days and bum days
He may seem to regress
But Neville will on one day, on some day - a soon day? 
Meet with great success
 

Secret Snape
(from GoF, Ch. 36)

(To the tune of Secret Agent Man)

(THE SCENE: Madam Pomfrey’s infirmary. Resting in bed is HARRY POTTER, and sitting beside him is RON WEASLEY. ALBUS DUMBLEDORE is laying the groundwork for a renewed campaign against Voldemort. He turns his attention to SEVERUS SNAPE.)

DUMBLEDORE (spoken)
Severus....you know what I must ask you to do. If you are ready....if you are prepared....

SNAPE (spoken)
I am.

DUMBLEDORE (music)
Here’s a wizard known for his great potions

SNAPE
Just give the word, I’ll set this thing in motion

‘Cause my dark mark’s all ablaze
From this old Death-Eater craze
If only it’d just rub off with some lotion 

ALL (except SNAPE)
He is Snape, our man!
Secret Snapester man!

DUMBLEDORE
He’ll deflect every Dark Wizard on a path toward Azkaban

SNAPE
Some of you think you know all about me
But crushing Voldy you can’t do without me
Do not check the Lost-and-Found
‘Cause I’ll be going underground
I’ll deduct 55 points if you dare to doubt me 

ALL (except SNAPE)
He is Snape, our man!
Secret Snapester man!

HARRY & RON
We’ve no idea what he’s up to, let’s just hope that it’s a plan.

(Exit severally)