Harry Potter Filksongs
 by Caius Marcius
copyright 2001
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Expecto Patronum
Hermione, the Queen of Hogwarts
Black, Say "Bye Bye"
Potions Class, Day One
 

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Expecto Patronum

(to the tune of Hukuna Matata, from The Lion King)

(The Scene: HARRY POTTER and REMUS LUPIN in the History of Magic classroom) 

RL (spoken)  The spell I am going to try and teach you is highly advanced magic, Harry – well beyond Ordinary Wizarding Level. It is called the Patronus Charm. The incantation is this (clearing his throat) Expecto Patronum!

HP (spoken): What a magical phrase!

RL:(music) Expecto Patronum 

(waves his wand, summoning forth PRONGS, in a shimmering, silvery form) 

Glows in a silvery glaze
RL &  P: It’s manifested
In a style that’s sure to amaze
ALL: It can troubleshoot when things get acute!
Expecto Patronum!

(Recitative)

RL: When I was a young werewolf
HP & P: When he was a young werewolf
P: He found that the world did not give much hope
HP: To a youth diagnosed as a full lycanthrope
RL: I’m a sensitive soul when it’s not a full moon
The motivations of others I shall not impugn 
But, ‘twas so foul 
HP & P: He found it to be foul!
RL: When as a wolf I’d  prowl….
HP & P: No doubt he’d look for fowl….
RL: And how brashly I would howl
HP &P: Enough to make one scowl!
RL: Or when I’d disemb-
HP: (spoken) Ah, Professor – I think we’re getting off-topic here….
RL (spoken, with his reserve returning) Yes, of course…..

(music)
ALL: Expecto Patronum!
RL: You won’t trust your own gaze…..
P: Dementors? – You own ‘em!
RL & P: They’ll glide away in a daze

P: It’s a projection
Of your spirit’s paramount rays
ALL: When you feel faint, call your patron saint!
Expecto Patronum!

 (repeat)

Hermione, the Queen of Hogwarts

(to the tune of Lydia The Tattooed Lady)

(The Scene:  The Gryffindor common room. Enter HARRY POTTER, NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM, GEORGE, FRED and RON WEASLEY, all sporting greasepaint mustaches and brandishing large cigars.  They gather round the piano, at which Dean Thomas performs). 

ALL: Hermione, Hermione, we say without irony
Hermione, the queen of libraries
GW: Her IQ shatters every record
FW: Her brain was designed by Hewlett-Packard
ALL: Hermione, Hermione, sing we ‘round the piany
Hermione, the queen of Hogwarts
NL: She’s read every book on the library shelves
HP: Her test scores now average one hundred and twelve
RW & FW: She’s the founder of SPEW who will free all the elves 
ALL: She does know it all, that Hermione!
La la la la la la, 

HP & RW: While out on a stroll she once strayed ‘cross a troll
And so she became our friend in need
GW & FW: She’s been turned into stone, trapped in the mer-people’s zone
NL & HP: But for her we would gladly eat gillyweed 
ALL: La la la la la la,

ALL: Hermione, Hermione, stamp her face on the ha’penny,
Hermione the queen of Hogwarts
FW: Someday she’ll be our Valedictorian
RW & GW: Bringing glory to all of Gryffindorean
ALL: Hermione, Hermione, may we ask with proprieny, 
On who will you bestow your heart?
NL: Will Harry to your charms eventually succumb?
GW & FW: Will this greatest of honors go to Viktor Krum?
ALL (except RW): And as for Ron Weasley, won’t he feel dumb
If he loses the hand of Hermione?
ALL: La La La La La

RW: She can whip up a mean batch of Polyjuice
GW & FW: She helps Neville whenever he’s all obtuse
NL: She’s a bulwark against Voldy’s comin’ doom
HP: She can teach you a spell that will summon brooms
ALL: La la la la la la

NL: If there’s a question in class, her hand shoots up
HP: She assists Hagrid to nail all his Skrewts up
GW & FW: She got Pomfrey to jazz with her dentals
RW: So at the Yule Ball she was pure dazzlementals
ALL: La la la la la la

ALL: Hermione, Hermione, we all say without ennui
Hermione, the queen of Hogwarts
HP & NL: She used the time turner to gain extra bounce 
RW & FW: She forced Rita Skeeter her ways to renounce
ALL: Weren’t we ever glad once we learned to pronounce
The tongue-twisting name of Hermione!

HP: I said Her-my-oh-nee
GW: He said Hermy-one
NL: They said Herm-own-ninny
HP & RW: We said Her-MY-on-e

(Simultaneously, they magically light their cigars, which – since they were provided by Fred and George – all promptly explode)

ALL La La!
 
 

Black, Say “Bye-Bye”

(to the tune of As Time Goes By)

(The Scene: a chamber inside Hogwarts’, late at night. A team of DEMENTORS are awaiting the delivery of the fugitive Sirius Black, to whom they will administer the dreaded Dementor’s  Kiss)

CHORUS OF DEMENTORS
You’ve come to this abyss
Our kiss does not bring bliss
To dust your soul must fly
That fatal kiss we’ll soon apply
Black, say “Bye-Bye.”

When we throw back our hood
You know it won’t be good
You’re sorta gonna die
We don’t especially care why
It’s eye for eye 

(Enter CORNELIUS FUDGE,  breathless and panting heavily)

FUDGE:
That Sirius Black’s
Back on the loose
Took him a hippogriff
And went vamoose
Dementors from Hogwarts 
Are at once excused - 
Any involvement I’ll deny……

(Exit FUDGE – the DEMENTORS make their preparations for departure )

DEMENTORS
That darn Cornelius Fudge!
Report him to Matt Drudge
Make sure that he cries “Ouch!”
Oh, well, it does no good to grouch 
Let’s go get Crouch!

(Exit DEMENTORS)
 
 

 Potions Class, Day One

(to the tune of My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean)

(The first day of Potions Class, in a dank, drafty dungeon. Enter Severus Snape, to a room full of nervous first-year students)

SNAPE:
The class that I teach is called Potions
To earn a grade higher than “C”
You must study each day with devotion
And do nothing annoying to me

Cut up, slice up, chop up those potions for me, for me
Cook up, heat up, whip up those potions for me

There are three things that I find annoying
Those who doze off in class and then snore
Those who my equipment keep destroying 
And anyone from Gryffindor

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS
Cut up, slice up, chop up those potions for Snape, for Snape
Stir up, brew up, but don’t get him bent out of shape.

NEVILLE:
He couldn’t be any more scary 
If he had huge fangs and a cape
A session with Dr. Caligari
Would be better than Severus Snape

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS
Drop out, drop out, we would if we could but we can’t, we can’t!
Bomb out, burn out, our GPA’s gonna be scant!