Harry Potter Filksongs
 by Caius Marcius
copyright 2000
~o0o~

Don't Send Dementors
Beak to Beak
 That's Liberation
The V-Word is Scaring Us
Remus Lupin
Lord Voldemort's Song
I Am Moody
My Favorite Curse
Your Evil Czar
Bluff The Magic Dragons
Snape!
 The Death Eaters' Anthem
The Mighty Marauders

~o0o~
 
 

Don’t Send Dementors

(to the tune of Return to Sender)

(Enter CORNELIUS FUDGE, onto a darkened stage)

FUDGE:
There is an outlaw I’m pursuin’
Goes by the name of Black 
So let me tell ya what I’m doin’
In order to bring him back
I’m now about to……

(lights up, revealing THREE DEMENTORS)

FUDGE & THREE DEMENTORS (3D)
Send out Dementors!
Search and destroy!
Send in sorrow!
Suck out joy!
3D: Our heads are hooded!
We’ve rotting hands!
ALL: They’re\We’re just the guys we\you need to take Black back to Azkaban

(Exit FUDGE & DEMENTORS - Enter HARRY POTTER & SIRIUS BLACK)

HARRY: 
Please don’t think that I’m complaintin’ 
But while ridin’ on the tracks 
This thing glides past me and I’m faintin’
While it looks for Sirius Black
We wanna tell ‘em….

HP & SB: Don’t send Dementors!
They’re far too grim!
HP: Black didn’t do it 
But they’re after him!
SB: Their heads are hooded!
They’ve rotting hands!
HP: Please don’t let them send my godfather back to Azkaban!

HARRY:
This time I’ll go to Lupin and learn me a little spell
And if a Dementor starts comin’ toward me, this is what I’ll yell:

HARRY & SIRIUS
Come forth, Patronus!
Please dismiss
Each Dementor 
And its kiss!
 

 Beak to Beak

(to the tune of Cheek to Cheek)

(The Scene: In front of Hagrid’s hut: Enter HAGRID, with Buckbeak in tow)

HAGRID: 
Hagrid – I’m just Hagrid
My menagerie of creatures is unique
So please drop by some time and take a peak 
At my hippogriffs out grazing beak to beak

Oh, I love raising giant spiders
Or a litter of werewolf cubs
Or hatching a baby dragon egg
They gave me at the pub

(Enter HARRY, RON & HERMIONE)

HP, RW, & HG: 
They may be splendid as a unicorn 
Or as ugly as a skrewt
Or as weird as a three-headed dog 
But to Hagrid, they’re all cute 

HP, RW, & HG:
Hagrid – that’s our Hagrid!
Drop by his hut sometime and take a peek
But please stay home if you’re inclined to shriek
Or you’ll rest at Madame Pomfrey’s for a week

HP, RW, & HG
They may be terrifying horrors
But they turn Hagrid’s heart to mush

ALL: 
I’m/He’s a guy who goes through life
With a giant monster crush. 
 

 That’s Liberation!

(to the tune of That’s Entertainment!)

(Enter Harry Potter (HP), Hermione Granger (HG), Ron Weasley (RW), Dobby and Winky)

DOBBY &  HG: When an elf wants to earn his own pelf
HP & RW: Wins his socks from the school of hard knocks
HP, HG & DOBBY: And with glee, becomes totally free
ALL: That’s liberation!

HP & RW: When an elf who thinks not of herself
WINKY & DOBBY: With a sob, learns she’s out of a job
HG, HP, RW: Thanks to Crouch, who’s a bit of a grouch
ALL: That’s dislocation!

DOBBY: I wants to be paid at a livable wage
HG & WINKY: That very idea puts most folks in a rage
DOBBY (to Winky): We’ll see Dumbledore, he’s the great Hogwarts sage
WINKY & DOBBY: We’ll find work in his kitchen 
DOBBY:  And perhaps she’ll stop her …..
HG, HP, RW: (interrupting)   …..griping.

HG: Elves aren’t free – you all know that not news
HP & RW: That’s inspired her creation of SPEW
WINKY: Freedom means that you’ve nothin’ to lose
ALL: When they cast clothes away
It will bring on a day of……
(simultaneously)
HG & DOBBY: ….Jubilation!
HP & RW: …..Complications!
WINKY:  …..Trepidation!
 

 That V-Word is Scaring Us

(to the tune of The Age of Aquarius)

(Enter Chorus of Hogwarts students, faculty, sundry Hogsmeade residents, and Ministry officials.  Enter, from opposite direction, Harry Potter, Albus Dumbledore, Remus Lupin, and Sirius Black) 

CHORUS 
When the Dark Lord fell from power
And became so faint and lame
He is not here to make us cower
But we’re still too afraid to say his name

This may sound mental but
That V-Word is scaring us 
It sounds so nefarious
It’s scaring us!
Precarious!
Try sparing us!

HARRY, DUMBLEDORE, LUPIN, BLACK
If you bring yourselves to say it
Its spell upon you will disperse
If you have courage, then display it!
Do not fear his Cruciatus curse.

CHORUS
We’re not quite the courageous sort
So we won’t say the name of Volde – oops!

CHORUS
(simultaneously with below)
You almost had us, and 
That V-Word’s still scaring us 
With a horror vicarious
It’s impairing us!
It’s not hilarious!
Stop daring us!

HARRY, DUMBLEDORE, LUPIN, BLACK
(simultaneously with above)
We almost had you, but
That V-Word’s still scaring you
Because you lack derring-do
It’s impairing you!
But we’re preparing to
Vanquish You-Know-Who!
 

 Remus Lupin

(to the tune of Feelin’ Groovy)
 

When it comes to fightin’ the Dark Arts
Here’s a guy who is a virtual Mozart
Whenever Boggarts begin a-swoopin’
You can direct your call to Remus Lupin 

The wizard world is not too philanthropic 
When it comes to matters lycanthropic
Professor Severus’ forever’s snoopin’
He’ll never get the best of Remus Lupin

If he can just avoid that silver bullet
He has a destiny, and he’ll fulfill it
He may be gone for now, but he’s regroupin’
We have not seen the last of Remus Lupin
 
 

 Lord Voldemort’s Song: When I Was a Lad

(to the tune of  When I Was a Lad, from Gilbert and Sullivan’s HMS Pinafore)
 
 

(Enter VOLDEMORT and a Chorus of DEATH EATERS)

VOLDEMORT
When I was a lad still in Hogwarts School
I determined the entire world I’d someday rule
But I didn’t need to study the whole library
I decided all I needed was a diary
I preserved my thoughts so carefully 
That I became the darkest Lord in History

DEATH EATERS
Too bad that diary of yours got gored
For once, the pen was not as mighty as the sword

VOLDEMORT
When I was but a toddler, my Muggle dad
Abandoned me and Mummy, it was rather sad.
Thoughts of him ensconced in his ancestral estate
Retained some power always me to irritate
Being mild by nature and quite risk-averse,
I addressed this family issue via Kedrava curse

DEATH EATERS
When relationships get unlivable
You can always count on curses unforgivable

VOLDEMORT
I later elected I should change my name
My original was questionable and rather plain
As I then stood on the brink of world renown
I found an appellation of euphonic sound
I unveiled this name with such ado
That they’re only brave enough to call me “You-Know-Who”

DEATH EATERS
You must say “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,”
Or we Death Eaters will make sure you get really flamed

VOLDEMORT
Then for a time I was Number One
I killed wizards sometimes but ‘twas all in fun
I slew James and Lily (who I never did like),
Then I cast a wicked spell upon their little tyke
I cast that spell so wickedly,
That I rather blush to say it, but the joke was on me.

DEATH EATERS
When a helpless infant you would curse
First make sure that Mom has not invoked a curse reverse.

VOLDEMORT
I retreated in the interim to the Albanian dale
As I contemplated how best to hit the comeback trail
And since with Harry Potter I’m inextricably linked
Just a dabble of his blood has put me in the pink
Now, fully restored to my physical form
I’m preparing to unleash on you my Perfect Storm

VOLDEMORT & DEATH EATERS
You’ll never guess what we’ve cooked up next
We’re afraid that when we tell, you’ll be rather vexed!
 

 I AM MOODY

(to the tune of I Am Woman)
 

(Enter Alastor Moody)

I am Moody, hear an Auror
Declare total all-out war
Against each Dark Art practitioner devout 
I will transport Voldemort
O’er the brink of Thermidor
And those Death-Eating scum I’ll ferret out! 

Oh yes I am mad
I suspect every ashcan 
But I’ll not be had 
By any evil wizard’s plan
Gonna send that trash straight back to Azkaban! 
I am mad!
I am intransigent!
I am Moody!

I use Constant Vigilance when I teach Dark Arts Defense
Nothing out there can escape my view
My eye swivels three-six-oh
Catching sight of every foe
I see straight through you as I look askew

Oh I’m insane
I get quite delirious
When I sustain
Another Curse Imperius 
And hexes much more deleterious!
I am mad!
I am intransigent!
I am….

(he reaches for his hip flask, but finds it empty. He abruptly changes back to Barty Crouch Jr.)

 …..leaving!

(Exit, pursued by Dementors)
 

 My Favorite Curse
(to the tune of The Longest Time)

(Enter  VOLDEMORT, LUCIUS MALFOY and WORMTAIL, in black leather jackets)

ALL: Oh, oh, oh,
It’s our favorite curse
Oh, oh, oh, 
Inspires us to verse

W: The Imperius Curse robs you of your will
LM: The Cruciatus makes your blood run chill
V: But I so love  killin’
Cause I’m such a super-villain
ALL: That’s why Kedavra is my/his favorite curse

LM: The Imperius Curse puts me in control
W: The Cruciatus stirs my very soul
V: But the greatest charm’s with
The hex that you must buy the farm with 
ALL: That’s why Kedavra is our favorite curse

V: Some say these curses they won’t forgive 
But they’ll never outlive
Me, they can’t see their error

W: Nothing’s finer than these hexes three
LM: They so effectively 
ALL: Create a grand reign of terror

LM: The Imperius Curse some learn to resist
W: The Cruciatus sometimes goes amiss
V: But if you’re a cadaver,
You can’t shrug and say, “Whatever.”
ALL: That’s why Kedrava’s such a savored curse!

V: So, bring on that Potter kid to me
We will make it best two out of three
We will yank our wands out
ALL: And this time there will be no doubt 
Why the Kedavra is my/his favorite curse. 

ALL: Oh, oh, oh,
It’s our favorite curse
Oh, oh, oh, 
Inspires us to verse 
Oh, oh, oh (fade-out)
 

Your Evil Czar

(to the tune of Teddy Bear)

(Enter VOLDEMORT, in sequined  jacket, sunglasses, and slicked-back hair; enter as backup trio, WORMTAIL, LUCIUS MALFOY, AND BARTY CROUCH, JR; enter also NAGINI, affectionately curled up beside VOLDEMORT)

V: Lord Voldy here – I inflict scars!
My anagram
Tells who I am
Tom Riddle’s come so far
I wanna be
TRIO: Please let him be
ALL: Your evil czar

V: You’ll do what I want
For you my word is law
Worship me
On bended knee
And hold my name is awe
‘Cause, hey, I’m not
TRIO: Cause, hey, he’s not
ALL: From Ravenclaw

(Nagini begins hissing)

V: Nagini’s now explainin’
Our venom’s been uncorked
ALL: ‘Cause folks won’t stop maintainin’
That every Parseltongue should just get forked

V: Now as the heir of Salazar
Lloyd Webber will
Do a musical 
You’ll be hummin’ every bar 
Of “You Know-Who….”
TRIO: Of “You Know-Who….”
ALL: “….You Superstar!
 
 

 La Muerta Loca 
(from Chapter 34 of GoF)

(to the tune of Livin’ La Vida Loca)

(Note: The misspelling of “Incantatem” as “Incantantem” is intentional, in order to promote a certain rhyme scheme)
 

(Scene: The cemetery of the village of Little Hangleton.   HARRY 
POTTER, just freed from his bonds by Wormtail, prepares himself to 
duel LORD VOLDEMORT. Prominent in the foreground is the tomb of Tom 
Riddle. In the background, the lifeless remains of CEDRIC DIGGORY are 
observed). 

V (spoken): And now  - we duel. 

(he strikes HARRY with the Cruciatus Curse, who falls to the ground, 
writhing in pain) 

V (music): You’re helpless, in my power
‘Midst waves of searing pain
You’re pegged as my next victim
To herald my new reign 

(HARRY struggles to his feet, aims his wand at VOLDEMORT)

HP: Very well, if you must kill me
I’ll die up on my feet
If I perish like my father
Your triumph’s incomplete

VOLDEMORT (raising his wand, spoken) Avada Kedrava!
HP:  (simultaneously, spoken, aiming his wand): Expelliarmus! 

(Jets of light emerge from their wands, which connect and lock 
together, forming an incandescent golden beam.  Their wands vibrate 
intensely, becoming increasingly difficult for either HARRY or 
VOLDEMORT to control. Enter FAWKES, who flies to HARRY, and sings the 
Phoenix’s song into his ear) 

FAWKES: No matter what may happen now, do not let go of your wand
It’s about to take you to a place so far beyond ……
Hold on, Harry Potter, just hold on!

(HARRY and VOLDEMORT, their wands vibrating more and more intensely, 
are lifted into the air. The golden thread of light splinters into a 
thousand dazzling beams, which criss-cross and intersect in every 
direction, creating a golden, dome-shaped web)

ALL: Beams of light connect!
The Priori Incantantem!
Blaze forth and project!
V (angrily): He can’t defeat me, he’s a bantam! 

(A bead of light moves toward Harry’s wand – with immense
effort, he forces it back to Voldemort, whose wand begins to shriek) 

FAWKES: His wand must now eject!

(The ghosts of CEDRIC DIGGORY, FRANK BRYCE, BERTHA JORKINS, JAMES AND LILLY POTTER emerge from Voldy’s wand, and converge toward him)

HP: Look out, you’re surrounded by phantoms!
V (fearfully): Not what I’d expect!
GHOSTS (mockingly): Now, Voldy, dear, don’t throw a tantrum! 
(laughter)
ALL: The Priori Incantantem! The Priori Incantantem! The Priori 
Incantantem!

(the GHOSTS, completely without fear, dance menacingly around 
VOLDEMORT.  FAWKES ascends into the light and is lost to view. HARRY 
and VOLDEMORT struggle to control their wands)

HP: This really turns the tables
Does Voldemort look stunned!
V:  First thing tomorrow morning
I’m going back for a wand refund 

GHOSTS: What makes you think, dear Voldy
That a “tomorrow’s” there for you?
You may be in moldy pieces 
Before we’re finally through!

(JAMES, LILY, and CEDRIC move toward HARRY, singing quietly to him, 
so VOLDEMORT cannot hear)

JAMES AND LILY: We’ll divert him a little longer, son, 
But you must then break free
Return alive to those you love by grabbing the portkey
CEDRIC: And return me to my family!

ALL: Beams of light project!
The Priori Incantantem!
Now must disconnect!!
HP : Cedric’s final wish I must grant him!

(HARRY breaks the connection, extinguishing all the lights. He runs 
towards CEDRIC’S corpse, dodging blasts from the assembled Death 
Eaters along the way.  The GHOSTS make every effort to block 
VOLDEMORT)

GHOSTS: Harry we’ll protect!
Leave Voldy alone with his rantin’ 
V (finally breaking free): My power’s again unchecked!

(he aims his wand at HARRY, but misses, shattering a tombstone)

HP (ducking behind a tombstone to avoid a second blast): 
But I’ll live to do yet more enchantin’

ALL: The Priori Incantantem!
Harry’s running now straight up the middle! 

(HARRY reaches the body of CEDRIC, and clasps it tightly to his own, 
closely followed by VOLDEMORT and the Death Eaters, who 
simultaneously raise their wands)

HP: Farewell to you all – and Tom Riddle! (he summons the portkey
and vanishes)
 

 Triwizards Task One:
Bluff the Magic Dragons

(to the tune of – oh, do I really need to tell you?)

(Enter the Triwizard Judges, Hagrid and the four Triwizard Champions)

JUDGES, HAGRID
Tough are magic dragons
They’re 20 meters tall 
You can’t keep them in captivity 
Without a firewall
The ones you see are mothers
Upon their nests they bask
And you must steal an egg away 
In the First Triwizards Task

CEDRIC DIGGORY
I tried transfiguration 
Changed a rock into a pup

FLEUR DELACOUR 
I put mine in a spellbound trance
But she then got fired up

VIKTOR KRUM
I put mine in a stupor
She staggered like a dolt

HARRY POTTER 
With a little help from Hermione
I cried, “Accio, Firebolt!” 

JUDGES
He bluffed the magic dragon!
He seized the golden egg!
Harry showed that he’s in charge
Like Alexander Haig
Gryffindor was joyful
They partied through the night

HAGRID
And as Harry went to bed, 
He thought, “Dragons are all right.” 
 
 

Snape!

(to the tune of Mame! from the 1966 musical)
 

Who’s the fearsome head of Slytherin’s dorm?
Snape!
Who’s not exactly fuzzy and warm? 
Snape!
Who can we always count on for a snarl and a snap and then a sneer? 
Who deducts points from Gryffindor every time that Harry ventures near?
Whose merest gesture conveys immense threat? 
Snape!
Who’s made Draco M. his teachers’ pet?
Snape!
He has the features into which the boggarts now all want to change their shape 
He is the Master of Potions, who’ll
Get sorely overemotional
At every Potter Promotional
Snape! 

Your class is a dungeon drafty and dank
Snape!
You’re lean, a meanie, cranky and lank
Snape!
You outed Lupin and to Black you are quite Sirius-ly averse
Yet you protected Harry and saved him from Professor Quirrell’s curse.
You have a superb theatrical flair
Snape!
You seem to apparate out of thin air
Snape!
You know how to make an entrance that causes every mouth to fall agape
Your eyes glimmer as black as coal
You crush and swallow students whole 
A guy we shouldn’t try to troll 
Snape!

Check the sundial it’s after one
The Potions class has just begun
The cauldron’s already beginning to boil
Snape!
Toward the back Hermione and Ron
Are wishing they could be already gone
While Malfoy snickers with Crabbe and Goyle
Snape!
According to Neville
You’re the very devil
You’re scarier than You-Know-Who
While you explain
How a dash of wolfsbane
And asphodel’s best for this brew
Yet George and Fred have frequently said
Rather than sit through this
They’d rather undergo a Dementor’s Kiss!
You want to teach the Dark Arts Defense
Snape!
But you’re more skilled at taking Offense
Snape!
But now a disturbance has arisen, and it seems as though there may be no escape:
Your Dark Mark starts to blaze again
Lord Voldy’s snake eyes gaze again
It’s that Death Eater craze again!
Snape!

You were once rivals with Harry’s dad
Snape!
Your memories of him still drive you mad 
Snape!
For over 20 years upon that werewolf incident you’ve dwelled 
You don’t want Harry dead, but you’ll be avenged if you get him expelled.
We’re spellbound by your spite and sheer rage 
Snape!
You seem to leap  right off of the page
Snape!
You’ve now become an archetype, like Sherlock Holmes or Batman in his cape
So it stands at the end of Volume Four:
You’re off to spy for Dumbledore
You’ll help demolish Voldemort!
Snape!  Snape!  Snape! Snape! Snape!
 

 The Death Eaters’ Anthem

(to the tune of the Mickey Mouse Club theme)

Who’s the skull-projecting gang 
That causes such distress?
D-E-A-T-H E-A-T-E-R-S
The house of Gryffindor, we think, should have one student less 
D-E-A-T-H E-A-T-E-R-S

We eat death! Like Macbeth!
Avada Kedrava, it’s your final breath!
Death! Breath! Yeth!

We slithered out from Slytherin to serve him fearfully
V-O-L-D-E-M-O-R-silent-T!
He’s now alive, and come Book Five, then Potter’s history:
V-O-L “He’ll give Harry ‘L’”
D-E-M  - “He’ll get the rest of ‘em, too!”
O-R-silent-T
 

 The Mighty Marauders

(to the tune of The Little Old Lady from Pasadena) 
 

(Enter JAMES POTTER, SIRIUS BLACK, REMUS LUPIN & PETER PETTIGREW, as youthful Hogwarts students)

(Enter PERCY, FRED, GEORGE AND RON WEASLEY as BACKUP)

ALL: We’re the mighty Marauders who are Animagi
BACKUP: Go Potter Go Potter Go Potter Go
JP & PP: We have never been described as being stage-shy 
BACKUP Go Peter Go Peter Go Peter Go
ALL: We’re Remus and Sirius, Peter and James
Forever will Hogwarts remember our names!

JP & SB: When the full moon arose, Remus started a-howlin’
RL: And my three friends said, “Here’s a new way of prowlin’
JP, SB, & PP: We’ll learn advanced magic to take animal shape
RL & SB: A quartet of mammals vs. Severus Snape
ALL: We’re the mighty Marauders who are Animagi……

JP & SB: Remus needn’t worry, cause we got his backside
BACKUP Go Remus Go Remus Go Remus Go
PP & RL: We’re not freakin’ as we’re seekin’ for the Shriekin’ Shackside
BACKUP Go Padfoot Go Padfoot Go Padfoot Go
SB & PP: We’ll be hailed in fanart and fanfics and songs
ALL: As Moony and Padfoot and Wormtail and Prongs!

(the Quartet suddenly grow to adult size)

PP: When Remus was wolfin’ he might have attacked us
SB & JP: He’s now a professor who can preach what he practiced
RL: James is dead, Black was framed, and what about Peter?
RL, SB & JP: He’s the servant of Lord Voldemort, an avid Death Eater
ALL: But we once were Marauders who were Animagi
ALL & BACKUP: Et expecto!